“Certainly not; it cannot be happening to me…I do not believe it… it is unfair… if I had… maybe things would be different…”, phrases that we have thought, we have shouted, we have sung “Wish You Were Here” (Pink Floyd) for those that are no longer with us, for those who we unbearably miss, for those that we can no longer touch and embrace, for those days that are not coming back… Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance; phrases succeeding grief, the natural healing process of a trauma.
Bereavement although interwoven with life, as it is a typically expected situation, no one is ever ready to confront it. Every day events associated with the heartache of bereavement, are particularly intense regarding their emotional power. They incite confusion and lead to prolonged periods of sorrow, where everyone adopts their own defense mechanisms to face them. Many times, in fact, a circularity is observed through their alternation. There is clearly no typical reaction, as well as no typical bereavement. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler – Ross (On Death and Dying, 1969) started talking about the five stages of grief, based on studies around the emotions of terminally ill patients. She afterwards realized that we also get through these stages in different life phases, which are distinguished by negative factors.
Mental pain formulated by grief develops in phases. In the first stage, we deny the existence of doom, we then get angry with the realization of reality and tangle with ourselves, with God, who is not as merciful as we thought, with fate, until we grow weary of this obsessional hunt of the culpable and fill the lost moments with regrets. “What could I do differently to avert bereavement?”; we are constantly seeking answers, “bargain” over the desired solution, until we come in contact with the true pain, coming from the recognition of the situation. This is the stage of distancing. Usually, when we encounter sorrow, we occasionally distance ourselves from those around us. The “tyranny of joy” which is developed through phrases like; “everything will be fine”, “don’t think about it”, “don’t be sad” is exactly what we avoid. We need time. Time to mourn, to cry, to comprehend what we are feeling, and finally accept it to a degree that will allow us to free ourselves from grief and fear.
Maybe this stage is not as intense as the initial stages; it takes place silently, almost secretly, at night in the company of our pillow. We are maybe going through the period of “smiling depression”, which may not be like this for everyone…
We usually tend to correlate grief with death, but it lies in many more events such as the estrangement of a loved one, the separation of a relationship, the alienation from family environment, the betrayal of a dear friend… We relive the trauma through dreams, memories or flashbacks. We abstain from places, people, activities in our everyday life which remind us that this person was once a member of it, and they aggravate the wound. We struggle to sleep, to concentrate, to work. A song is enough to make us emotional. We “put everything in the fridge” to keep them alive, we do not want to move forward, in our head it is not over, they will text this message eventually, today, tomorrow…never! Gloria Gaynor though reminds us that “I (we) Will Survive”, we just need some time…
When we love a person, we do not overcome their loss, we do not forget their existence, we do not erase what we went through with them; smiles, cries, whining, hugs, uncountable feelings… we just get used to living without them, reconcile with their loss, redefine life, create new memories. Because in the end, “Here comes the sun do,do,do” (The Beatles).